Belonging

I hadn't realized I'd let days pass since posting. So much to do in my "regular life", so much to experience in my "yoga life". Although I'm still working mah day job, I really feel as though I've been on a retreat with the yoga experience. I find myself resenting my job, which comforts and disturbs me. I am LOVING the time from 12:30-4:00 on weekdays and 1:00-5:00 on weekends. Loving the Lulu house, the trees that cast such lovely shadows on the walls, you amazing people/teachers... dare I say friends? I find myself at this time, marinating in thoughts around belonging. Part of me wonders if I've found myself veering down an unrelated, "not-yoga-enough" path, but that's where I've ended up.

Since hearing the unfortunate news that I would not be able to participate in the sweat lodge, a lot of my thoughts have been around "the Group". I've realized that I have a strong desire to be a part of something. To belong. For many, many years a voice in my head has told me that I don't belong; that I am not worthy. I have been a part of groups like ours in the past and unfortunately, that voice has weaseled its way into my head and clouded my experience. However, THIS time I am experiencing something wonderful and new. The voice is quieter and less obtrusive. I am able to see it as it is: old, noisy, un-useful. Really since day one, this has felt right and true. I feel like I deserve this. I am in the right place.

So, when I discovered that I wouldn't be able to participate in the sweat lodge, that mean fuckin' voice took its old place right beside me in the passenger seat. And I felt such sadness that I wouldn't be able to be with y'all for that experience; the preparation, the sweat, the feast afterwards, the community. I realize that feeling connected, fed, receptive, and belonging is just as important to me right now as the yoga training. I 'spose right now, I can't separate them. For now, they live in the same place.

That said, my thoughts and well wishes are with you ALL tonight. Ah'ho!